| I know you're going to find this hard to believe, but I, | | | | exactly typical role models there.And finally, if the |
| Tim Knox, noted humanitarian, former Eagle Scout, | | | | Miss America Pageant really is about brains and not |
| and lover of mankind the world over, am a sexist | | | | beauty, as promoters say, I recommended |
| pig.Sorry, mama. I had no idea.I came to this startling | | | | restructuring the contest so the emphasis would be |
| realization after an angry female reader sent an | | | | on intelligence. I suggested "...having Miss South |
| equally angry email complaining that my recent | | | | Dakota and Miss Rhode Island play Risk for twelve |
| column on the Miss America Pageant had missed the | | | | hours with no bathroom break... have Miss Michigan |
| politically correct bull's eye by about a mile and a | | | | rebuild the carburetor on a '63 Pontiac Catalina... have |
| half.Quoting this reader's email now, | | | | Miss California expound on the theory of quantum |
| "...my assumption from how you write, leads me to | | | | physics while trying to make a Jacob's Ladder with a |
| believe that the "opposite" gender is little more to | | | | piece of string that's too short..." |
| you than something that still needs to be oppressed | | | | At no time did I say one negative thing about |
| by men such as yourself that allows you to leer at | | | | women anywhere in this column. My arrows were |
| them from above your glass ceiling... Have a nice and | | | | clearly (at least to me) aimed at the hypocritical |
| dolefully sad existence... Best wishes to you in actually | | | | pageant organizers who claim beauty has nothing to |
| developing an articulate and EDUCATED opinion... I | | | | do with who wins. And I will not apologize for stating |
| sincerely hope you (sic) learn that opinions are | | | | the obvious fact that not even two piece bikinis can |
| CERTAINLY not facts, and ignorance is no excuse | | | | save this dog and pony show whose time has come |
| for poor judgment..." | | | | and gone.I finally came to the conclusion that, being |
| Man, when it comes to email pipebombs, this one's a | | | | an ignorant man, the only way I was ever gonna |
| beaut! Thank you, Mrs. Kazinski (not her real name, | | | | figure out what Mrs. Kazinski was upset about was |
| of course). Thank you very much. Can someone | | | | to involve, dare I say it, a woman! So I called out the |
| hand me a bandaid...Call me ignorant (again), but I had | | | | big guns, the woman who has been keeping me on |
| no idea what I could have possibly done to demand | | | | the straight and narrow for a lot of years now. |
| such brutal retaliation from someone who is, I'm sure, | | | | Namely, my wife, or should I call her, "my better |
| on most days, a very decent and loving member of | | | | half.""I don't get it either," my wife said after reading |
| the human race. I've seen a woman pushed to these | | | | the email and the column. "Sounds like a disgruntled |
| limits only once before. It was July 8, 1968, a day I'll | | | | beauty queen to me. Now take out the trash before |
| never forget.In a moment of sheer frustration, my | | | | I get my big purse after you."I don't think my wife |
| mother let me have it up beside the head with her | | | | realizes that by belittling disgruntled beauty queens |
| big purse because I refused to climb off Billy the | | | | she has opened herself up to the wrath of the |
| Buckin' Bronco, that valiant, plastic steed who stood | | | | emailbomber. Forgive her, Mrs. Kazinski, please. Her |
| tied up out front of the Piggly Wiggly on 8th Street | | | | curse is having to live with me. Isn't that |
| for many years."I ain't gonna tell you again to come | | | | enough?Which brings me around to one more |
| on, Tim Knox!" WHACK!I should've seen it coming. | | | | question: If I'm a sexist pig why the heck am I the |
| Whenever my mama called me by my whole name it | | | | one dragging two hundred pounds of trash out to |
| meant that she wasn't particularly happy with me. It | | | | the curb twice a week. Can't I get a woman to do |
| also meant that a whacking from that big purse | | | | this?Look, Mrs. Kazinski, if thinking that the Miss |
| wasn't far behind. In school, just hearing my name | | | | America Pageant is a load of hooey makes me a |
| called on the roll caused me to uncontrollably duck for | | | | sexist pig in your eyes, so be it. If reading just one |
| a good five minutes.Scarred for life, I never mounted | | | | of my columns drives you to conclude that I am a |
| another horse, coin operated or otherwise. Maybe | | | | man who feels women, quoting you again, "...need to |
| that's why this email bothered me so. Would I ever | | | | be oppressed" so that me and men like me can "...leer |
| be able to write another column after being beaned | | | | at them from above our (sic) glass ceiling..." so be it |
| by this irate woman's electronic big purse? I wasn't | | | | again. That's your opinion. You're entitled to it.As a |
| sure.I read the email over several more times, but still | | | | writer whose tongue is kept planted firmly in cheek |
| my offense was unclear. What was Mrs. Kazinski so | | | | and whose feet are kept planted firmly in the muck, |
| ticked about? I went back and read the Miss America | | | | I know that not everyone will agree with everything |
| column again. Still, I was clueless, which I'm sure | | | | I write. A wise, old newspaper editor once told me |
| doesn't surprise my friendly emailbomber. Maybe you | | | | that a writer's job is to elicit a response from his |
| folks can help me figure it out. After all, I'm ignorant, | | | | readers, be that response good, bad, or |
| you know.If you missed the column called "The Dust | | | | indifferent.With you, Mrs. Kazinski, I consider my job |
| Settles on Miss America" (or missed the point of said | | | | to be done.Everything I write is a reflection of my |
| column) here's what it was all about: | | | | own personal opinion of the world. I hope you will at |
| | | | least agree, Mrs. K, that I, too, am entitled to an |
| Promoters of the Miss America Pageant insist that it | | | | opinion, no matter how "ignorant and uneducated" |
| is not a beauty contest, a statement that I took | | | | you may find it to be.To finish, let me assure you |
| particular exception with. If it's not a beauty pageant, | | | | and everyone else that if I am indeed a sexist pig, I |
| why is there an evening wear and swimsuit | | | | am of the passive pork variety. After antique British |
| competition? Why don't they just have a talent | | | | sports cars and well-worn cowboy boots, I think |
| show, ask each contestant how she'd save the | | | | God's greatest creation is Woman. Man comes in at |
| world, then give one of them the crown so | | | | number 7, just after riding lawn mowers and just |
| everybody can go home?In an admitted attempt to | | | | before all beef hotdogs.If you read this column with |
| bolster sagging ratings, Pageant promoters allowed | | | | any regularity, Mrs. K, you'd know that I have a wife |
| two piece bathing suits to be worn in the swimsuit | | | | and two daughters who seem very happy with me. I |
| competition this year. And this isn't a beauty contest? | | | | also have a mother, sister and elderly aunt who |
| Please. I guess nothing stimulates the female brain like | | | | depend on me to be the designated male in their |
| wearing a skin tight bikini. Odd, it has the exact | | | | lives. When any of these women call, I drop |
| opposite affect on the average male. It makes his | | | | whatever I'm doing and run to their sides. If I don't, |
| mind go blank.I said that I changed channels during | | | | it's big purse time.So, am I really a sexist pig, Mrs. K? |
| the talent competition because badly sung opera and | | | | I don't think any of the women in my life would say |
| showtunes have been known to induce cranial | | | | so.Still, if you still have a problem with me, maybe |
| bleeding in men my age. I don't apologize for this | | | | you should talk to my mother.Just watch out if she's |
| statement. I am not a big fan of opera so even the | | | | carrying that big purse.From "Small Business Q&A" |
| best of opera, at least to my ears, is badly sung. And | | | | With Tim Knox |
| I've yet to hear a showtune that I can dance to, so | | | | Tim Knox is a nationally-known entrepreneur, author, |
| sue me.I also made mention of the fact that one of | | | | speaker, and radio show host. |
| the contestants sported a pierced navel while | | | | Tim has helped hundreds of entrepreneurs realize |
| another had a tattoo in an undisclosed place, not | | | | their business dreams. |