| We bought Peaches, a horse who I'd eventually | | | | and Daisy play-fought, making her taller than you'd |
| breed, and who would learn how to drink a bottle of | | | | realize. |
| beer without spilling a drop. At first, Peaches shared a | | | | Dachshunds were originally bred to find badgers, |
| pasture with my neighbor's horse. One day, this | | | | hence the nose. Then to pull them out of the badger |
| neighbor told me a story about some friends who | | | | holes, hence the short legs. They also had to be |
| owned a female Doberman. | | | | rather large and muscular, in order to kill the badgers |
| "Ya think she's pregnant?" asked one owner. | | | | once they'd pulled them out. But once badger hunting |
| "Naw, she ain't that big," said the other. "She's just | | | | lost its relevance, dachshunds were bred to be |
| gettin' a little fat is all." | | | | lapdogs. This meant making them smaller. But seeing |
| Imagine their surprise when she gave birth to six of | | | | as how Bebe is half Doberman, and therefore 35 |
| the tiniest puppies to ever come out of a Doberman. | | | | pounds of solid muscle, she could take on a badger |
| Upon seeing the puppies, there was no mistaking the | | | | with no problems. Thus, she's a throwback. |
| father's identity. He was a dachshund. | | | | You know how dachshunds think they're invincible? |
| That's right, a dachshund bred a full-sized Doberman. | | | | Bebe has the size to back up her attitude. Daisy was |
| How was this even possible? I have no idea, but | | | | always the boss, of course, but nothing or no one |
| once I heard about it, I had to have a puppy. I had | | | | else can scare Bebe. She also has the Doberman's |
| to see what in the heck it would look like. Also, I | | | | intense "loyalty to one person." That person was me. |
| thought Daisy should have a buddy. | | | | When I had Bebe, I didn't need an alarm clock. I |
| I was visiting my neighbor again, and he brought me | | | | know this because I forgot to set it a time or two. |
| a tiny black puppy with a pink ribbon around her | | | | Given the choice, Daisy would sleep until noon, then |
| neck. Her eyes seemed to bug out of her head, like | | | | run and herd like a maniac until after dark. But Bebe's |
| a rat that's been killed in a trap. Her expression was | | | | bladder demanded otherwise. She had a way of |
| one of pure terror. Her snout was a bit longer and | | | | rooting at my face, like she was digging up a badger |
| narrower than usual, and her long floppy ears didn't | | | | hole, that made sleep impossible. I've slept through |
| reach the ground, but she was a dachshund. There | | | | fires, sirens and gunshots, but nobody sleeps through |
| was no doubt about it. | | | | Bebe. |
| I held her and hugged her. Her too-short legs | | | | Daisy has a very sensitive stomach and a |
| wrapped my neck in a death grip that lasted for half | | | | discriminating palate. Bebe, on the other hand, has |
| an hour. Her little black tail never stopped wagging. | | | | licked a two-day-old vanilla milkshake off an asphalt |
| Once again... my dog. I have a way with dogs. | | | | parking lot. I'd expect an iron stomach, though, since |
| But finally, the confrontation. Bebe weighed maybe | | | | she eats rat bait and chews through metal fences. |
| five pounds. Daisy weighed 40. Daisy was of course | | | | Have you ever seen a trained police dog run over a |
| insanely jealous. Her daddy walked in the house | | | | chain link fence? Bebe did that to the chicken-wire |
| holding the unthinkable -- another dog. Another puppy. | | | | fence surrounding my garden. She was much more |
| Another black girl. Hugging her. Maybe Daisy's | | | | destructive than Dixie the radish-plucker, so |
| replacement. | | | | eventually I moved the garden to the old dog lot. It |
| Oh, the fights I had to break up. Pure hatred. And | | | | had a better fence. |
| this tiny puppy, little Bebe, was so terrified and | | | | Let me quote a fellow named Jon Winokur. In a book |
| love-starved that she seemed to be taking all my | | | | called MONDO CANINE, he wrote: "The border collie's |
| affection. | | | | natural herding instinct allows it to handle up to |
| The day arrived when I had to leave Daisy and Bebe | | | | several hundred sheep alone, primarily by means of a |
| together inside the big fenced-in dog lot. I was | | | | mesmerizing stare known as the 'eye.'" |
| concerned. But, I thought, they were acclimatized | | | | At any and every meal, Daisy showed me the eye. |
| enough for Daisy not to injure Bebe. I could only try | | | | Very soulful eyes. Bebe's idea of begging was a |
| it and hope for the best. | | | | straight-ahead glare. Daisy, on the other hand, gave |
| When I arrived home from work, there were two | | | | me the full show. Depressed that no scraps were |
| dogs waiting for me on the porch. Best friends, it | | | | forthcoming, ecstatic (usually falsely) because they |
| seemed. Daisy looked guilty. Bebe lacked the | | | | were coming -- the works. So much work. I was |
| intelligence. | | | | always impressed at the enthusiastic way with which |
| An exploration of the fence showed me something | | | | she approached her work. And yes, the "eye." When |
| incredible. Someone, and surely that had to be Bebe, | | | | I first read about border collies, that's really how I |
| had chewed a hole through the metal. A hole big | | | | knew Daisy was one of them. She's always had that |
| enough for both dogs to escape. Those two little | | | | trademark stare. |
| mongrels had worked out a deal. I was stunned. | | | | Daisy had long since ceased to be jealous of Bebe. |
| The next day, I decided to let them both stay inside | | | | She simply knew that little mongrel needed the |
| the house. How do you stop a dog who can chew | | | | attention. Daisy also knew that she could walk up to |
| through metal? I could only hope Bebe wouldn't turn | | | | me anytime, pant and smile her gap-toothed grin, and |
| those jaws against the furniture. | | | | I'd rub her until she was sick of it. |
| Daisy had matured quite a bit. She was grateful for | | | | I lived in and around Wilmington, North Carolina, for 13 |
| the second chance at living indoors, with ant-free | | | | years. During that time, there were no hurricanes |
| food and couches and air conditioning. She relayed | | | | except for one long ago, at the very edge of my |
| the message to Bebe, who was positively adorable | | | | young memory, not worth mentioning. Then I spent |
| but dumb as a brick. Many other lessons would follow. | | | | 13 years in Tampa, Florida, during which time |
| Bebe spent a day at the hog farm. We hoped that | | | | Wilmington remained hurricane-free but Tampa took |
| maybe a coworker would think of a name for her. | | | | a beating. Then I moved to Watha, North Carolina. |
| The result, Bebe, was supposed to be a bit like B.B., | | | | After a few more hurricane-free years, we got |
| an abbreviation for Black Beauty. Or perhaps Black | | | | slammed by five of them in four years. Am I a |
| Bitch, but that's not fair to the little tyke. Also, as | | | | magnet for these things? I hope not. But the |
| luck would have it, bebe is Spanish for "child." | | | | Wilmingtonians will no doubt be glad to hear that I |
| I don't know how much you know about hog farms, | | | | live in mainland China now. We haven't had any |
| but I've never seen one that didn't have a rat | | | | hurricanes yet, although I have experienced |
| epidemic. Every two weeks, we set out big blue | | | | monsoons in Hong Kong. |
| blocks of rat bait and hoped like heck. To make a | | | | Daddy owns over 100 gorgeous acres on the banks |
| long story short, if it's not already too late, Bebe ate | | | | of the Northeast Cape Fear River, in Burgaw, North |
| a block. It didn't bother her a bit. | | | | Carolina. The Northeast Cape Fear rises after a |
| Daisy explained to Bebe that highways were | | | | hurricane. Sometimes it jumps the banks a bit. |
| dangerous. Cars and trucks are great fun to ride in, | | | | Daddy's houses are all 12 feet off the ground, |
| but one does not race them. Ever. Good girl, Daisy. | | | | though, making them safe. |
| During one of Bebe's first rides, she decided to leap | | | | About a week after any hurricane, however, the |
| through an open window when I reached the | | | | Neuse River is in danger of jumping the banks. So |
| driveway. Her momentum carried her into the bushes | | | | someone opens the floodgates, leading right into the |
| and stunned her momentarily. She learned right then | | | | Northeast Cape Fear, giving Daddy and all his |
| that it's never a good idea to jump from a moving | | | | neighbors a world of problems. The houses are safe, |
| vehicle. | | | | but the roads leading to them wind up under water. |
| How well did they obey me? Well, I always stopped | | | | Power is always lost, and it can't be restored as long |
| the car or truck at the top of the driveway to get | | | | as the power lines are also under water. |
| the mail. Then I went back to the car or truck and | | | | Bebe almost drowned after one of those hurricanes. |
| drove to the house. They knew not to get out until I | | | | I was probably repairing a horse barn. They were |
| reached the house. | | | | functional, but never hurricane-proof because I'm not |
| They only broke that rule once, when Daisy saw | | | | that good of a builder. Lisa was riding Peaches down |
| some deer in the back yard. Bebe followed, even | | | | to the river because Peaches loves to swim. As we |
| though she probably couldn't see them. Bebe's eyes | | | | all know by now, so does Bebe. A bit of research on |
| are worse than mine. Daisy sees like a border collie, | | | | my part showed that this isn't a dachshund |
| but she knows that Bebe has better smell and | | | | characteristic. This is a Doberman thing. |
| hearing. They're one hell of a team. | | | | Daisy and Bebe were following Peaches, as usual. A |
| Once Daisy and Bebe became friends, they became | | | | hard choice, probably, because they also loved |
| inseparable. I was constantly asked if they were | | | | watching me do construction stuff. As the water got |
| mother and daughter, or later if they were sisters. In | | | | deeper, Daisy stopped. She hates to get wet. Bebe, |
| many ways, they were closer than sisters. Daisy was | | | | meanwhile, kept going. |
| definitely big sister, gladly taking the responsibility. | | | | Eventually, Lisa noticed that Bebe wasn't with her |
| The three of us became a dog pack. I'd never | | | | anymore. She doubled back, to find that Bebe had |
| known such acceptance. | | | | gotten tangled in some weeds. Bebe couldn't get out, |
| The play-fights between those two looked scary. | | | | probably due to lack of intelligence. So she was dog |
| Fangs bared, growling and snarling and such. Bebe | | | | paddling. Probably she'd been at it 10 or 15 minutes. |
| puffed up her little body, her short fur trying to ridge | | | | Waiting patiently for rescue, too stupid to figure out |
| along her back into hackles, her bared fangs at | | | | what else to do. |
| Daisy's throat. Chests crashing with great volume and | | | | Lisa was faced with a dilemma. She cannot get on a |
| much snapping of jaws. But, both tails were wagging | | | | horse by herself. Bad shoulders, bad hips, etc. If she |
| the whole time. Great fun. | | | | got off the horse to rescue Bebe, she'd be walking |
| Bebe quickly taught Daisy that if you're gonna fight, | | | | back to the barn. |
| go for the throat. Instinct, or perhaps an advantage | | | | Okay, it wasn't really a dilemma. She rescued the |
| of being short. Soon after, Daisy returned the favor | | | | doggie, of course. When they returned to the barn, |
| by educating Bebe. | | | | Bebe tried her best to tell me all about it, but licks |
| One day I was cutting my grass with a riding mower. | | | | and hugs don't exactly translate into human speech. |
| Of course my darling doggie daughters were in the | | | | Next door to Daddy's barn, where I kept my horses, |
| yard, playing and having fun and being best buddies. | | | | some neighbors kept plenty of animals. Three horses, |
| The highway wasn't a concern. Also, a single whistle | | | | a turkey, a pit bull, an Australian sheepdog, some |
| from me and the dogs always stopped what they | | | | dachshunds, some cats, some goats, and two young |
| were doing and came running. Full steam ahead and | | | | cows. When the neighbors left for a summer |
| usually trying to knock me down, in fact. They love | | | | vacation, I agreed to feed them all. |
| to run. | | | | I love the way pure dachshunds stare at Bebe and |
| So Bebe ran through the yard. Daisy ran beside her, | | | | seem to ask "What in the heck is that thing?" For |
| ahead of her, and forced her into the woods. Bebe | | | | her part, she stares down at them and almost seems |
| started again, in the other direction, and again Daisy | | | | to laugh. They know they're related, but she's so big. |
| drove her into the woods. Again. Again. Again. | | | | The cows are of interest here. They were kept |
| Maybe I'm stupid, or maybe I was just drunk. But | | | | inside a flimsy wire fence on an undersized dirt lot. |
| eventually, I figured out what Daisy was doing. | | | | The question was obviously not if they would |
| Herding. Border collies do that. But what I didn't | | | | escape, but when. They had escaped before and |
| understand was, this wasn't simple herding. This was | | | | would again. It was because they had no grass to |
| another important lesson. | | | | graze on, but try explaining that to some people. |
| A week later, I adopted my third cat, a stray who | | | | There was a Daisy BB rifle in the neighbor's barn. |
| wandered up one day and refused to leave. His name | | | | Daisy BB -- don't you just love the way it seems my |
| was Pumpkin. The first time they saw Pumpkin, Daisy | | | | dogs are fated to be together? They are. |
| and Bebe herded him. It became their standard | | | | When the cows escaped, the Daisy BB rifle was to |
| greeting. | | | | help scare them back. Not shoot them, of course. It |
| Daisy is the smartest dog I've ever met. Bebe is the | | | | wasn't even possible with that crooked barrel. Just |
| dumbest. I thank God or Providence or whatever | | | | scare them. |
| that Daisy was there to train her, because I believe I | | | | How, I wondered, did I let myself get talked into |
| would've failed. | | | | these things? The odds of the cows escaping during |
| I have a theory about Bebe's lack of intelligence. I've | | | | that week... Ever hear of Murphy's Law? |
| heard that a Doberman's head is barely large enough | | | | The moment those cows escaped, Daisy was on the |
| to contain its brain, and that you can thump one and | | | | job. Desperately wanting -- no, needing -- to herd |
| make it dizzy. I will never test this, nor should you. | | | | them. Begging me, Daddy, for guidance. She saw my |
| But if true... Bebe's head is smaller than a full | | | | eyes and needed no more prompting. |
| Doberman's. Maybe too small. Only a theory... I just | | | | Daisy ran along one side of the cows, herding them |
| know Bebe is stupid. | | | | beautifully toward the fallen wire fence like she was |
| Bebe had real problems getting on the bed, the | | | | born to it. Well, she was. Bebe tried like heck to run |
| couch, or whatever. She looked like a dachshund on | | | | along the other side, but I'm afraid not even |
| steroids, with that massive muscular body and those | | | | super-wiener can keep up with young runaway cows. |
| little short legs. But she learned that if she leaped | | | | They tried again. Nope. Again. Nope. Meanwhile I was |
| with all four at the same time, like those old Pepe | | | | running with the rifle, hoping to help my hard-working |
| LePew cartoons, she could manage. | | | | doggies. |
| Daisy's greatest thrill was to hop in the pickup truck, | | | | Finally we worked out a system. Daisy on one side, |
| up front of course, go to Daddy's barn, and run with | | | | me on the other, Bebe in the middle so the cows |
| Peaches. (Peaches had moved following a fight | | | | wouldn't cut back. Daisy was beautiful. Bebe wasn't, |
| between my neighbor and me.) But the dogs were | | | | but she was equally effective. I was the weak link. |
| inseparable now. So how would Bebe handle running | | | | Finally, we drove the cows over the fallen fence. Lisa |
| with a horse? I knew I'd soon find out. | | | | held up the wire, creating the illusion of capture, until I |
| How fast does a standard dachshund run? Not too | | | | could quickly repair the fence. |
| fast. How fast does a dachshund with a body twice | | | | Now comes the mob. Two very proud dogs, happily |
| as large as it should be run? This one ran much faster | | | | jumping all over me with wet tongues and muddy |
| than a human. She developed a slanted gait, as if her | | | | paws. I'm pretty sure they wanted me to turn the |
| back half ran faster than her front. I've never seen | | | | cows loose so they could do it again. |
| anything like it, anything so awkward-looking. But | | | | Daisy isn't a face-licker, though she made an |
| given her heritage, she had to invent her own way | | | | exception this time. Bebe, it seems, lives to slide that |
| of doing everything. And for whatever reason, it | | | | long thick tongue all over my face and inside my |
| always worked out. | | | | mouth. Yuk! |
| Bebe ran with Daisy and Peaches. Never as fast as | | | | But Bebe did find her niche as a herding dachshund. |
| Daisy, but fast enough. Another study in contrasts. | | | | The neighbors had a turkey, as I mentioned. They |
| Daisy runs like a border collie, graceful and elegant, | | | | used to have two, but one was eaten by something |
| with ease and beauty. Bebe runs like what she is, a | | | | from the woods one night. So the deal was, the |
| freak of nature. A genetic mutation, perhaps a reject | | | | remaining turkey ran loose by day and was caged at |
| from a low-budget horror movie. But it works for her. | | | | night. |
| Daisy really hates to get wet. Her long, luscious coat | | | | Did you ever try to catch a running turkey? Trust |
| must always remain dry. Little shorthaired Bebe can't | | | | me, it ain't easy. But guess what? A turkey isn't |
| pass a river, a creek, or even a shallow muddy ditch | | | | much taller than Bebe. For some reason Daisy couldn't |
| without leaping in, wallowing like an uncoordinated pig, | | | | herd an elusive turkey, but it was no match for Bebe. |
| and charging at Daisy and slamming into her chest. | | | | Every day, Bebe ran the turkey into the barn and |
| During any hurricane, I had real problems getting | | | | cornered it so I could catch it. |
| Daisy to pee because she hates getting wet. I tried | | | | One night of this was left when Bebe decided she |
| my damndest to explain to her that she could pee on | | | | wasn't content to simply corner the turkey. She |
| the porch -- I even demonstrated -- but she refused | | | | grabbed its head in her mouth. |
| to do it. I guess the only porch she could pee on was | | | | "Bebe!" I yelled. |
| Daddy's. Perhaps I should have invited him over to | | | | She immediately released the turkey and came to |
| come yell at Daisy for me. | | | | me for reassurance. Well, I had to cage the turkey |
| Bebe, meanwhile, would run out in the yard amidst | | | | first, but then I gave her all the attention she craved. |
| howling winds and pouring rains and squat with a big | | | | The following day, I fed the animals alone. I was |
| stupid doggie grin on her face. A bit like Gene Kelly. | | | | afraid Bebe would eat the turkey. |
| "Peeing in the rain... I'm peeing in the rain..." | | | | Whenever I went to bed, Daisy waited on my pillow |
| For months, Bebe did not bark. According to Richard | | | | with her tail wagging. After a big cuddle, she moved |
| Pryor, this is a Doberman trait. A Doberman doesn't | | | | to the pillow beside mine. Then, being so dainty and |
| want to scare the burglar away. A Doberman wants | | | | ladylike, she would put a paw on my chest. Just one |
| him to come into the house so the dog can get him. | | | | little paw. The white one. I guess she had to know if |
| But anyway, Bebe didn't bark. Daisy did all the | | | | I woke up because I was Alpha Male, a.k.a. Daddy. |
| barking. At some point, however, Daisy taught Bebe | | | | Bebe, meanwhile, would lie on her back, on my other |
| to bark. In fact, Bebe became the delegated barker. | | | | side, and squirm and wiggle and get right under my |
| Daisy only let out a single bark when Bebe needed to | | | | arm. Usually Taz, the male Siamese, would claim my |
| stop for breath. The typical barking-at-the-burglar | | | | chest, making the burial complete. Often, Bebe would |
| sounded like this: | | | | be asleep on her back, legs spread wide, and Taz |
| "Ruff-ruff-ruff-ruff ruff-ruff-ruff-ruff WOOF | | | | would walk up behind her. He'd stop and take a sniff. |
| ruff-ruff-ruff-ruff ruff-ruff-ruff-ruff WOOF..." | | | | Bebe would wake up, and her tail would wag. |
| Teamwork again. Daisy saw something in the yard, | | | | Not only did Taz have a big black dog for a mother |
| and she barked. Then Bebe chimed in, looking in the | | | | and a medium black dog for a sister, but now he'd |
| general direction Daisy was facing. Finally, the bad | | | | found a little black dog for his girlfriend. Both were |
| thing got scared and left. However, Bebe couldn't see | | | | fixed, so it never got past the sniffing stage. |
| that it was gone, so she kept on barking. Once in a | | | | I have a theory about Bebe's conception. If her |
| while Daisy would check to make sure no new bad | | | | Doberman mother also slept on her back, perhaps |
| thing had arrived. | | | | her dachshund father could... well, it's a theory, |
| Fully grown, Bebe weighed 35 pounds. I wish she | | | | anyway. Do you have a better one? |
| could've lost about ten of them, but there wasn't an | | | | When I finally moved to China, I gave both dogs to |
| ounce of fat on her body. Solid muscle, a bit longer | | | | Daddy. He loved Bebe too, even though she was the |
| than a dachshund should be, with short legs that | | | | only dog he couldn't scare into peeing on the porch. |
| rarely straightened. They only straightened when she | | | | |